lost.....

i have totally lost.....i have lost the aim of my life.... my target.....i have totally no motivation for study now......i wish i could take a rest for 1 or 2 month. escape from everyone. i can't concentrate on my study. i duno wad is the problem coming to me.....
Im lost in someway, i had lost myself....
where am i now?
who am i now?
wad i have done recently doesn't like me...
my life is out of control..... my emotion is getting worst...
people said im smart, im a thinker, i can help myself out...
but told me, after i been through so many thing, i keep helping myself.
but people juz keep pushing me down whenever i climb up.
where is the light??
where is the end of all this problem.
there are new problem everyday, the old probelm havent been solve the new is come,
in the end, all mess up. like a snow ball.
keep getting bigger and bigger.
i don't liek the way i behave now,
i know i should study hard to achieve my dream.
to help epople.
but now i think, i need help than others.
the world is dark..... there is no way out....
scream,
there is no people would heard it.
there is no one understanding me.
people try to help, but they juz duno the way.
im LOST................
some one help me out????

tired...

i think i gonna crazy this 2 week.
i goin clubbing continuously for 3 day,
different place, dance n drink like hell....
summore 7 am than only got home...
crazy life...
thursday zouk,
friday space,
saturday centro...
summore i dance on the bar....
hahhaaha......
hauz, tired....
i goin out for fun, but im not really getting fun.
problem is still there,
try to have another relationship,
but i juz dun hav feeling.
my heart is die from the moment he din pick up my call...
frends asking em why i change my blog to english?
i said i juz wan to let him see,
let him know wad im feeling....
they just shake thier head,
they dun understand......
i trying so hard to jump out of this situation,
try to forget bout him,
try to make my life better,
but i juz coudn't.
just now i taking taxi back home,
than i left my handphone in the car.
how careless am i???
luckily got people pick it, than return to me.
im confuse this afternoon when i receive ur sms.
i dun even believe my eyes when i look at the message.
the sender show his name.
god!!! finally he find me.
he told me to find him at his college,
i wondering how i go to,
but i hav decided, i must settle all the thing.
i take taxi. but later he said i should meet him after 10pm...
my frend juz told me,
forget bout him, he doesn't really care bout u,
if not he won't ask u to come outside alone in the night...
i duno....but i juz hope to see him...

hurt,...

i really what is going on here? what is happen between us?
again, u din reply my sms, din pick up my call.
i just need a explanation from you, is that so hard?
i not wanted your care, or take responsible on me,
but please,
the guy i know firstly is not like that.
i know every people will change,
but atlease, dun lost ur responsibility.

u know how suffer is waiting?
maybe u duno...thats y... u just left me like that...
although now u love another girl
or u can told me u never ever love me,
but atlease is an explanation,
is an answer to me.
release me ok?
set me free?
i know u r not the one who lock me,
i lock myself to u.
but, as a frend or as a girl that u have sex before or as wadever,
please help me out of this situation k?
i really dun like myself keep thinking of u.

i doesn't need u to start a relationship with me or take responsible on what u had done,
i juz need ur explanation.
thats all. k.
i hope u will help me....
run out of this situation.

....

i think my life is getting better.
haha, for 2 week the problem keep on come to me,
let me breathless. but now i learn to take it easy.
because the question had no answer,
so why am i so desperate to find the answer?
juz let it be, the answer will appear in the right time.
i jzu need to be passion and wait.
now i wonder how r u?
the car incident is really bad, hope that u r fine.
worried....
sometime when i thinking of u i wonder did u ever think of me even for a second?
for 1 week since that day u told me u had a car incident u never contact me.
not even a message.
should i keep waiting for u?
i keep asking myself this same question.
im juz afraid that for the time i have spend on u,
will not have a good answer.
but now i decided,
WAIT.
wait n see.
i should believe myself,
i should believe love.
i hope that wad i had done, will never regret me.
hope that u didn't betray me,
hope that u didn't forget bout me.
i would do wad u told me to do,
wait as i love u.

i juz join dance club at my school.
is cool. i learn hip-hop, cheersleading and jazz.
haha, i try to find thing to fill up my time,
so that i won't keep thinking of u.
and i had take the advise from my councellor,
i join the will group and get 1 facilitator to help me catch up my study.
i would put effort this semester to reach my target.
last semester result is really dissapointed me.

whoa, now still got the NSQ event need to worried bout.
is a stress for me. i really not a good leader.
i don't even know wad to do. i'm a passive person,
everything need to wait people to inform me than only i start to do.
haiz, afraid that i would bring down the organization this year...
there is only 30++ people join the camp....
and our target is 400!!!
now is already september.
i really worried alot.......
duno wad to do....

emo..

today i receive ur message when having class....
this is the 1st message u send me since last week u said u need sometime to clear things up....
but y i feel u act like nothing had happen between us??
u never explain y u wan to be alone suddenly for 1 week,
u never told me wad is the thing u wan to clear up,
u never told me y u doesn't feel like talk to anyone for 1 week?
wad happen??
wad is goin on?
i have been miss u for 1 week.
i juz dun understand,
y everything i do, make me think bout u.
my heart keep missing u.
i can't get u out of my mind.
but y am i gettin so emo when u sms me?
i should be happy, gracefull that u not forgettin me.
but y?
y im so emo?? feel hard to breath....
wana cry,
but there has no tears coming out..
wad im concern bout?
afraid to be hurt by u again??
afraid u will do the samething to me again?
maybe...
i doesn't spoke to mom for 2 month,
i really lost my way....
my result r damn rubbish....
my life is all messup
i can't concentrate on my study...
i can't do anything properly...

Finally

Finally, u reply my message.
i wait for this message for so long.
is just 4 days, but for me it is too long to wait the time past.
i think if i attend for the cryin competition sure i can get champion.
i have cry 4 times today.
cryin like a kid....
when i see ur message, my tears juz come out like a water tank....
im such a baby....
y i wan to make myself suffer?
stupid......
should i believe in love???
should i believe ur word toward me???
feel so hard to breath,
heart beat so fast
im scared.
i afraid of being hurt again,
afraid of being alone.
thats why i became so desperate when i can't reach u on phone.
that's why i panic,
duno what to do...
u told me tha tu didn't intend to hurt me
but y i been hurt so deeply??
should i again believe ur promise??
u told me not to lose faith in love,
but told me,
wad had u give me to let me believe in love??
i love u, so i should wait for u???
how long should i wait???
did u love me??
did u ever think of me??
did u care for me??
u need sometime to clear ur mind,
n now i know,
i need sometime to get u off my life!!!
i had enough for all this!!
u never think or care bout me!!
if i really love u then just wait for u???
than wad is the answer of after being waiting??
how could u love me if u doesn't even care for me??
u juz care for urself!!! selfishness!!!!!

Feeling bad....

Feeling really bad!!! Is been 3 day you never pick up my call or reply my sms. im so worried!! keep on asking myself what i worried about? you are not my boyfriend, we are just friend.
but when i lay on my bed the flashback start to begin. what we had been trough together, i start to realize that i had taken u as my boyfriend in my heart. that's why i so worried about u.
i had missed classes for 2 days, wake up early in the morning like losing something in my life, keep look at my phone afraid that i had missed ur call or sms, but is all dissapointed.
Cry everyday in the middle night, thinking why suddenly all thing had change, thingking isit i had been cheated,.
i had regret now, that time when u told me to keep ur clothes i reject. i should take it!! stupid!! now in my hand had nothing to do with our memory. i do listen to u, i never hurt myself this time, but is really suffer, u know when ur heart beat so fast everyday, people will die fast....
i told myself to let go, but i just can't!! i duno what am i holding on with u, but i just can't control to miss u. Damn it!! i hate myself!!!!i hate what im doing now. everyday is meaningless for me now.... @#%@$#! arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, HELP ME!!!
i just can't take it anymore!! it's too much for me!!d i can't hate u, i can't do it. the love is too much. i never realise the love i give to u is so much. but please, i just hope u answer my call or reply my sms, let me know what is goin on. don't just left without a word. it make me crazy.......
this few day always sleep at 3am, i just can't sleep.
frend ask me to hang out i reject, i don't want to hang out, just want to stay home, watching my phone, hoping it will ring. how stupid am i??!
they told me im a pretty girl, there still a lot of guy wanted to take care of me, why should i keep thinking of you? i duno, i just can't help to thinking of u. i hate the feeling.
why? why u want to make me feel this bad? what had happen to u?? u would never leave me like that, u said u will always be by myside when i need u. but where r u now??